http://personalitydisorders.suite101.com/article.cfm/protecting_yourself_from_psychopaths

~BB~

To those who took offense, I can only hope you accept my apology. I’m sorry for going overboard, but as I’ve always been a fighter for equal rights for all people, my goal was never to have flame wars with my peers. I mean, with porn being most peoples’ only exposure to transpeople, I feel that even though we ‘sell ass,’ we can still set a standard in which we are viewed as sexy and classy, and more importantly, sexually acceptable. I know I’ve gotten carried away on my tirades on the subject a few too many times and I’m truly sorry.

And I don’t hate porn; I hate the porn business. I knew that coming in and I obviously came on much too strong about it after all of the warnings I’d received about how it’ll ‘bring me down.’ I try not to play defense, so I overdid the offense. Why get involved at all you ask? Well, I’ve been in other aspects of the adult business for years and southern California is a barren wasteland at the moment when it comes to ‘square’ jobs, and of those that are available, most seem to be going to the traditional ‘breadwinners’ (i.e. men). So in the immortal words of Priscilla Presley in the Naked Gun, ‘I was young. I needed the money.’

Regardless, I now have a plan that will allow me to contribute my vision of what transporn should be all about, and I truly believe that with it I will be able to lead by example instead of wasting energy fighting the powers that be and unintentionally insulting people (sorry again!), and at this point, I feel that there is room enough for everybody in this industry to co-exist. And that’s all I was ever looking for. I never really wanted to destroy anyone; I just wanted to protect myself.

It should be obvious to everyone that I’m far from perfect and I never claimed otherwise, although I do try really, really hard to get it right – maybe even too hard. Like most transwomen, I’ve been through a lot of abuse and have been kicked around a lot, both before and after transition, and while some people become weakened by it, I found ways to make myself stronger. My mentality is that if you don’t defend yourself, nobody else will either and so there are plenty of times when I feel provoked and overreact to those who would ‘dare’ cross me. All I can do is apologize and try my best to keep it from continuing. I think everyone here can relate to the fact that I don’t trust a lot of people and to be quite honest, very few have given me a reason to… which brings me to my final statements about that for which I will not apologize:

I’m not going to apologize to Nicole Dupre because turning a relatively civil disagreement on merits into an all-out nuclear, personally insulting clusterfuck is her stock in trade, and frankly I don’t think anybody really gives a shit about either of us anyway… and probably never did. Bottom line? Nicole’s got her issues and I’ve got mine and I think everyone really just wants us to stay away from each other and stop littering the board with our bullshit, so that’s what I intend to do.

I’m also not going to apologize to Hara for what I consider a fairly obvious reason: while she never struck me as a bad person, she still was the ‘sanctimonious, holier-than-thou bitch’ that came before me. But believe you me, there will be somebody else who will come along, probably sooner than later, who will pick up the mantle again. I suggest to anybody currently thinking about it to view both of us as cautionary tales!

And finally, I feel that I should apologize to Steven (Seanchai) for convicting him before I’ve really given him a fair hearing out. On the one hand, it’s pretty difficult to ignore his pimp-like vibe, and I do still think that companies regularly fuck with models to ‘keep them hungry.’ But on the other hand, I’m aware of the fact that a lot of the girls like him a lot and that the dynamic in the entertainment business in general (let alone porn) between production and talent predates Steven, and in fact the entire trans genre, by plenty of decades. That said, I apologize to you Steven for jumping down your throat before I really got a chance to know you as well as I should have. I’m willing to take a chance on you if you feel you can do the same for me.

Thank you all for reading this and I hope you will accept my most sincere apologizes.

~BB~

Coffee has become invaluable over the last few weeks. In case you forgot: Dunkin’ Donuts French Vanilla. Now Dunks and vanilla are both my top favorites, but put them together and, mmm… better than sex! Yes, really.

~BB~

This is just a note to let everyone know that I’m still alive over here but business has sure been dead. Simultaneously, traffic (and drama) on the major forums seems to have slowed for the most part although I’m told there’s still a raging ‘anonymous’ battle between Harajuku_tgirl and Nicole Dupre on HungDevils - I’m not getting involved – I’m pretty much out of the verbal boxing business due to a lack of legitimate competition.

Also, I’ve had real life money concerns, I’ve been driving my car with a damaged tranny (the one under the engine, not the one in the driver’s seat!), and have another roomie moving out amidst a lot of drama of her own. Of these, two appear to be working themselves out (I can’t wait to announce the name of my new celebrity roommate!) so that’s a silver lining, but life has been extremely stressful here. I empathize with everyone when I say it seems to be that way for most people right now, but hey, we weren’t asked to be dealt the hands we were given; that’s just life and we do the best we can with them. Well, most of us do anyway. Some put in a minimal amount of effort and expect an exponential return, but that’s a whole other conversation for another ‘boredom post.’

Anyway, things seem to be calming down here finally. I hope. I should have more time to blog since it’s become increasingly clear to me that a lot of you out there really love the ~BB~ Network concept. I understand that we girls aren’t the most prolific writers the world has ever known, but you should all understand that we do our best to keep you updated on our lives which – for many of you – are just as intriguing as the very concept of a woman with a penis.

On a similar note I want to take this opportunity to thank Danielle Foxx for her flattering imitation (never duplication) of my blog. On the site that will go unnamed, she blends insight into her work and private lives, promotional materials, and political musings such as this gem:

“Amen – I may be able to get health insurance??? Thank you president Obama, for all you do for those who cannot do it for themselves – I voted right!”

That was the entire post. And oh yes, those are indeed words for the ages. I’m not even going to go into my usual Libertarian diatribe over it except to say that I would like to remind Ms. Foxx that this issue is not nearly as simple as she portends, nor is the presidency of Barack Obama. Put me on record as being against a government-run health care system but for a very limited and closely regulated public option. Maybe I’ll elaborate in a later post… because I actually can.

One can only wonder where she got the idea for her new blog format in the first place (although one would barely need to) considering the recent criticism of her ‘self-defeating success’ and her lack of public advocacy for transsexual women . Congratulations Dani. You seem to have corrected your public image issue within the trans ‘community’ by stealing a few AP Wire stories and posting them without attribution. You’re… welcome?

Truth be told though, I’m not posting this as a slam to her (although I admit it’s certainly a ribbing), but in fact I would sincerely like to thank her, from the bottom of my heart, for validating the points that I made so early on in my still very young career – that it’s up to all performers to promote themselves and never just depend on someone else to do it for them, and that personality is only thing that porn pirates and torrent sites can’t steal  from us – for better or worse.

When you’re ready to claim your voice with a free blog on the ~BB~ Network, simply email bellabellucci@ymail.com.

~BB~