To those who took offense, I can only hope you accept my apology. I’m sorry for going overboard, but as I’ve always been a fighter for equal rights for all people, my goal was never to have flame wars with my peers. I mean, with porn being most peoples’ only exposure to transpeople, I feel that even though we ‘sell ass,’ we can still set a standard in which we are viewed as sexy and classy, and more importantly, sexually acceptable. I know I’ve gotten carried away on my tirades on the subject a few too many times and I’m truly sorry.

And I don’t hate porn; I hate the porn business. I knew that coming in and I obviously came on much too strong about it after all of the warnings I’d received about how it’ll ‘bring me down.’ I try not to play defense, so I overdid the offense. Why get involved at all you ask? Well, I’ve been in other aspects of the adult business for years and southern California is a barren wasteland at the moment when it comes to ‘square’ jobs, and of those that are available, most seem to be going to the traditional ‘breadwinners’ (i.e. men). So in the immortal words of Priscilla Presley in the Naked Gun, ‘I was young. I needed the money.’

Regardless, I now have a plan that will allow me to contribute my vision of what transporn should be all about, and I truly believe that with it I will be able to lead by example instead of wasting energy fighting the powers that be and unintentionally insulting people (sorry again!), and at this point, I feel that there is room enough for everybody in this industry to co-exist. And that’s all I was ever looking for. I never really wanted to destroy anyone; I just wanted to protect myself.

It should be obvious to everyone that I’m far from perfect and I never claimed otherwise, although I do try really, really hard to get it right – maybe even too hard. Like most transwomen, I’ve been through a lot of abuse and have been kicked around a lot, both before and after transition, and while some people become weakened by it, I found ways to make myself stronger. My mentality is that if you don’t defend yourself, nobody else will either and so there are plenty of times when I feel provoked and overreact to those who would ‘dare’ cross me. All I can do is apologize and try my best to keep it from continuing. I think everyone here can relate to the fact that I don’t trust a lot of people and to be quite honest, very few have given me a reason to… which brings me to my final statements about that for which I will not apologize:

I’m not going to apologize to Nicole Dupre because turning a relatively civil disagreement on merits into an all-out nuclear, personally insulting clusterfuck is her stock in trade, and frankly I don’t think anybody really gives a shit about either of us anyway… and probably never did. Bottom line? Nicole’s got her issues and I’ve got mine and I think everyone really just wants us to stay away from each other and stop littering the board with our bullshit, so that’s what I intend to do.

I’m also not going to apologize to Hara for what I consider a fairly obvious reason: while she never struck me as a bad person, she still was the ‘sanctimonious, holier-than-thou bitch’ that came before me. But believe you me, there will be somebody else who will come along, probably sooner than later, who will pick up the mantle again. I suggest to anybody currently thinking about it to view both of us as cautionary tales!

And finally, I feel that I should apologize to Steven (Seanchai) for convicting him before I’ve really given him a fair hearing out. On the one hand, it’s pretty difficult to ignore his pimp-like vibe, and I do still think that companies regularly fuck with models to ‘keep them hungry.’ But on the other hand, I’m aware of the fact that a lot of the girls like him a lot and that the dynamic in the entertainment business in general (let alone porn) between production and talent predates Steven, and in fact the entire trans genre, by plenty of decades. That said, I apologize to you Steven for jumping down your throat before I really got a chance to know you as well as I should have. I’m willing to take a chance on you if you feel you can do the same for me.

Thank you all for reading this and I hope you will accept my most sincere apologizes.

~BB~